Most days, we live an unforgivably stressful existence — all the more so in the last few years, when a pandemic, international unrest, and a chaotic political environment have combined to trigger our fight-or-flight instincts are triggered just about every day. Between work, family and everything else that crops up to make your head spin and keep you scrolling through your phone, any and all precious free time should probably be spent trying to take the edge off. One way to do that? Sex, of course.
“Sex is an excellent stress reliever because it releases chemicals in the brain, like dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin,” Tim Lagman, Resident Sex Educator for pjur, tells SheKnows. “These chemicals are natural mood enhancers released during orgasm, which help reset the nervous system, bringing the body from fight-or-flight to rest-and-digest.” He adds that sex can also be meditative, “which helps people get out of their heads and back into their bodies to help ground them in times of anxiety.”
So when you’re leaning on sex for stress relief, what positions should you opt for? Are we talking lazy, low-key positions, moves that maximize pleasure and remove the pressure, or challenging positions that force you to stay present and focused? Alicia Sinclair, sex educator, founder and CEO of Le Wand, actually recommends different approaches based on what kind of stress you’re carrying. “If you’re mentally exhausted and need to decompress, slower, more intimate positions work best—think spooning or lotus where you can melt into your partner,” she says. “But if you’re carrying physical tension or pent-up energy, sometimes you need more active positions that let you literally move the stress out of your body.”
The beauty of stress-relief sex, she says, is that it doesn’t have to be performance-focused. “These positions are designed around comfort and connection rather than acrobatics. When you remove the pressure to be ‘good at sex’ and instead focus on feeling good, the stress relief happens naturally.”
To help you pursue your best chill, TLC-filled sexual life, we’ve compiled a few of our favorite positions that make sex a relaxing, stress-free experience.
Spooning
What it is: In this house, we love to spoon! There’s few positions more intimate and low-key, for one thing, and it just fuels the warm and fuzzies between partners. Lay on your sides and have the penetrating partner enter from behind — meanwhile hands are free to hold a toy or explore other erogenous zones on the body. You can also control the depth of penetration without much fuss depending on how you bend your legs.
Why it’s great for stress relief: “Spooning is the ultimate comfort-sex position,” says Sinclair. “The full-body contact releases oxytocin—our bonding hormone—while the slow, gentle movements naturally lower your heart rate and blood pressure. It’s particularly effective for anxiety because you feel completely held and supported.” Plus, the lazy pace means you can focus entirely on sensation rather than performance.
Lotus
What is it: Not nearly as bendy as it sounds, the Lotus is a super cuddly and chill way to embrace your partner. The penetrating partner sits cross-legged while their partner straddles them, wrapping their legs around their waist for face-to-face intimacy. It’s relaxing and easy to enjoy the thrusts from this position while also sharing sweet words, kisses or looks as you go.
Why it’s great for stress relief: “Lotus creates this beautiful bubble of intimacy where you can make eye contact, kiss, and whisper to each other throughout,” Sinclair shares. “The close contact and synchronized breathing naturally regulate your nervous systems together. It’s particularly powerful for couples dealing with relationship stress because it rebuilds emotional connection while providing physical release.”
Coital alignment
What is it: Another elevated cousin of missionary, coital alignment encourages you to keep your pelvis a bit below your penetrative partner and bend your knees so they’re up by your arms. This one guarantees a good amount of action for the clitoris — which is something we can always get behind.
Why it’s great for stress relief: “Coital alignment is perfect for women who need guaranteed clitoral stimulation to fully relax into pleasure,” Sinclair shares. “When you know orgasm is likely, you can stop mentally managing the encounter and just surrender to the sensations. The consistent pressure and rhythm create a meditative quality that’s incredibly soothing for overstimulated minds.”
The Plow
What is it: If you’re a yogi, you might be familiar with the really calming sensation of a Happy Baby pose. The plow isn’t exactly like that, but has a relaxing elevated missionary vibe that lets you lay back and enjoy all the penetrating partner has to give. Depending on how flexible you are, you can raise your legs to rest on your partner’s shoulders, hooking your knees or not depending on how comfy it is for you. From there, you just let them thrust away and enjoy the deep penetration.
Why it’s great for stress relief: “The plow has this wonderful surrendering quality—you literally just lie back and receive,” Sinclair explains. “For people who are constantly in control mode, this position forces you to be passive and just feel. The deep penetration can be incredibly grounding, and the elevated legs actually improve circulation, which helps with physical tension release.”
Flat doggy-style
What is it: Modify your standard dirty doggy moves by sprawling out a bit more. Position as you would for regular doggy and then simply lower yourselves down on to the bed so the penetrating partner is draped over you and you’re comfy and cozy against the mattress (or whatever surface you’re working with). Plus, by not having to stay up on all fours, everyone’s hands are free to do some roaming or to mix things up with toys.
Why it’s great for stress relief: “Flat doggy combines the deep penetration benefits of traditional doggy with the comfort of lying down,” Sinclair says. “The full-body contact from behind feels incredibly nurturing and protective. It’s particularly good for releasing physical tension because the receiving partner can completely relax their core and back muscles while still getting intense stimulation.”
Standing Doggy
What is it: The receiving partner faces a wall or leans against the table or counter while the penetrating partner enters from behind.
Why it’s great for stress relief: “Great for letting go of tension, no need for intimacy, and it allows for deep and fast thrusting to (literally) pound out your stress,” says Ligman. “This one is also a great move to take anywhere in the house.”
Pile Driver
What is it: Start with the receiving partner lying down. Their torso should slide off the foot of the bed while their legs stay up. For the receiving partner, you can use your hands to support your lower back — for those of you practicing pilates, you might know this position as the Jack Knife. The penetrating partner keeps their legs on the bed, but the upper half goes off the bed and supports themselves in a high plank push-up position with their hands. Slowly adjust your positioning until you enter.
Why it’s great for stress relief: “This is great for the penetrating partner to work on their callisthenics while the receiving partner can work on their flexibility,” Ligman explains. “Another great way to work up a sweat!”
Standing 69
What is it: A fun, albeit more challenging, way to have oral sex when penetration is a no-go. One partner can kick up into a handstand against a wall for support while the other partner stands normally, making sure both partners are aligned at the mouth and genitals at the same time. The standing partner can support the hips of the hand-standing partner to maintain balance. If both partners have the strength and endurance, a variation of this is that the standing partner will carry the upside-down partner by lifting them off the ground. The upside-down partner can wrap their legs around the upright partner for added support.
Why it’s great for stress relief: “Now, this may cause a lot of stress if not done right,” Ligman admits. “However, it can be so rewarding and you’ll forget why you were stressed in the first place if you can hold this position at length.”
A version of this story was published May 2020.
Stressed TF out? Same. Here’s a few more sexy bucket list positions to try when hanging out with your partner:
Ashley Britton/SheKnows