Picture this: things are heating up, your partner is touching all the right places, but instead of melting into the moment, your brain is busy wondering… Am I taking too long? Do I look weird from this angle? Did I switch the laundry?
Sound familiar?
As a sex coach, I can tell you that getting stuck in your head during sex is more common than most people realize. Whether it’s stress from work, the group chat you forgot to reply to, a toddler (or teen) who screamed “MOM” 93 times today, or just the lingering buzz of being constantly “on,” it’s no surprise so many of us feel stuck in our heads during sex. Life is full. And while your body might be ready to receive pleasure, your mind might still be in “go” mode.
When that happens, it can be hard to enjoy intimacy without feeling like you’re faking it, rushing it, or analyzing it the whole time.
But here’s the good news: getting out of your head and into your body is totally possible, and it doesn’t require becoming a tantric monk or scheduling a weekend getaway (although… yes, please). Through my years of coaching, I’ve seen that these are the approaches that deliver the biggest shifts for people who want to feel more present and turned on.
In this article, you’ll find simple, accessible ways to feel more present, more turned on, and more connected to your own pleasure – even when life feels chaotic.
Start with Mindfulness
This may seem like a sneaky way for me to convince you to meditate more, but plenty of research shows that a consistent mindfulness practice can improve nearly every kind of sexual challenge. Not only that, but when you consistently practice being present with yourself, it makes it easier in intimate moments to be present in the experience because you’ve actively worked the muscle of focus and embodiment.
You can start simple: try finding a few moments with your morning coffee to be still and enjoy the taste, the warmth (or coolness if you’re an iced coffee girlie, no shame), and the smell. Start with as little as two minutes and try to build up from there.
If you want some support, there are many apps offering excellent guided meditations if you prefer to be led through the experience.
Slow Everything Down
Sometimes, unintentionally, our excitement in the sack leads to sensory overload. When the speed becomes overwhelming, we retreat from our physical body and get lost in our thoughts. This can be especially true for folks who are neurodivergent.
Life is already fast-paced: from school runs and overflowing to-do lists to answering endless questions before your first sip of coffee, and work stress that doesn’t seem to stay at work. To avoid bringing this sense of busyness into the bedroom, intentionally slow your entire sensual experience down. This could mean slowing your breathing, lingering longer during touch, slowing your pace during the act, or simply giving yourself more time before penetration. It might require verbalizing to your partner your desire for a slower pace, but believe me, it’s worth it.
The gift of feeling fully embodied during those spicy moments will transform the way you enjoy sex.
Use Sound to Stay Present
If you are generally more of the strong, silent type during sex, don’t let this idea intimidate you. Think: less porn star, more humming or soft moaning.
Making sounds during sex is helpful in many ways. It gives you an additional sensation to focus on, it can help interrupt your thought train and bring you back to the moment, and, best of all, moaning actually helps to regulate your nervous system.
Often, when we’re in our heads too much during sex, it can be a sign that our nervous system is overwhelmed. Try humming gently to yourself as you touch or are being touched – it’s simple, grounding, and surprisingly sexy. It also helps to stimulate your vagus nerve, which results in calming your internal system and allowing for better orgasms.
So go ahead and make some noise!
Change Up the Position
Exploring new sex positions is both physically and mentally titillating. We are creatures of habit, so it’s easy to fall into the same “Well, it works” kind of pattern when it comes to our techniques. This can have us mentally reviewing the grocery list during the act because the predictability allows our minds to wander.
Exploring new positions helps keep our sexual experiences spicy and fun. Your body experiences pleasure from new angles, new visuals, and maybe even a few giggles while figuring it out together.
Play with Your Senses
There’s a reason blindfolds and light bondage have stood the test of time in the bedroom. Take away one sense, and the others heighten. It draws you out of your head and deeper into the moment.
The aim is to help you sink fully into your body by engaging your senses in new ways. This doesn’t have to be intense or elaborate to work. Start small. Maybe one partner keeps their hands to themselves for a while (restraints optional if that’s your vibe) or tries keeping their eyes closed (a blindfold can make it even more fun). You could even add earplugs to heighten touch or play a sensual audio fantasy through earbuds while your partner explores your body.
Think simple: closed eyes, earplugs, or a sensual playlist while your partner takes the lead. Before you start, check in with each other about boundaries. Find out which senses they want to amplify and which ones they’d like to give a break.
Try Something New
One of the easiest ways to get out of your head during sex is to add something new to the mix. Novelty naturally grabs your attention, which helps bring you back into the moment. It doesn’t have to be wild or out of character, just different enough to spark curiosity.
This could mean introducing a new toy – or repurposing household items or something from the kitchen drawer in a very not-safe-for-brunch way. The goal is to keep your mind engaged in the experience, rather than getting stuck in a mental loop of chores, texts, and half-finished checklists.
Take Orgasm Off the Table
Nearly half of women report struggling to orgasm during partnered sex. If that’s you, you’re definitely not alone. But here’s the thing: when orgasm feels hard to reach, putting too much focus on “getting there” can pull you out of your body and into your head. Suddenly, you’re overthinking, second-guessing, and feeling more pressure than pleasure.
(If you’re looking for some position inspiration, check out our top positions to help women orgasm. A little inspiration never hurts.)
One powerful shift is to take orgasms off the table entirely. When there’s no finish line, the experience itself becomes the focus. This works best when both partners agree ahead of time that no one is trying to climax. Instead, you’re simply exploring sensation and staying present together. You might be surprised by how much sexier it all starts to feel when pleasure is the point. And the wild part? Often, when orgasm isn’t the goal, it happens more easily anyway.
Schedule Your Sex
Couples sometimes resist the idea of scheduling sex because they feel hot sex is impromptu or wild, not something you pop into a shared Google Calendar. But scheduling sex can be an incredible way to minimize the mental noise during intimacy and be fully present in the experience.
When you know sex is on the horizon, you can take care of the little things that usually distract you. Tidy the room, light a candle, or take that everything shower to feel your best. When you feel sexy and clear-headed, it’s easier to get out of your head and into the moment.
Before you go, get educated on the six (yep, six) types of orgasms you can have:
