As someone who’s been called “too sensitive” more times than I can count, I get that attempting to learn how to not take things personally can feel about as possible as trying to “just relax” or “stop overthinking.” (What else am I supposed to assume when a friend leaves my last three texts on delivered—meanwhile they’re actively posting on Instagram? How does it not say something about my apartment when my partner prefers to sleep at their own place instead of mine?)
It’s normal to be annoyed, hurt, or even suspicious when you don’t really know the true intentions behind a person’s words or actions. But you should be able to move on from these moments, Geoffrey Gold, PhD, New York City–based psychologist at Therapists of New York, tells SELF—or at least talk it out. Taking it personally, on the other hand, means you’re internalising words or actions as hard truth, whether that’s They must hate my new haircut or I’m not good enough.
Your brain can spin these unhelpful, mean stories for all kinds of reasons. While some people are naturally blessed with an “IDGAF” mindset, factors like low self-esteem, perfectionism, and anxiety can make it hard to shake off the small stuff, Dr. Gold explains. However, this self-destructive habit of reading too much into things is definitely worth addressing, because over time, it’s bound to crush your confidence, waste your time, and sabotage your relationships. With a little effort and the expert tips below, you can slowly break that cycle of defensiveness—and in turn, protect your peace of mind.
1. Check your own biases before jumping to conclusions
Sometimes, those knee-jerk instincts to go on the offense are more about your own perception versus the actual reality of a situation, Pavan Basra, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based therapist specializing in relationships, tells SELF. Maybe two of your buddies hung out without you—but you’re convinced they hate you because your former toxic circle always excluded you. Or it hits especially hard that a Tinder match didn’t respond to your DM, probably since you were just unexpectedly dumped a few weeks ago.
According to Basra, recognising that your defensiveness may be rooted in past experiences—not the present moment—can be a solid first step toward interrupting the spiral and rethink whether you’re truly being targeted.
2. Ask before you assume
When something feels off, don’t just jump straight into mind-reading mode. You’ll save yourself a whole lot of energy (and mental gymnastics) by simply asking for clarity, Basra says. Dr. Gold recommends keeping it casual with phrases like: “Hey, what did you mean by that comment?”; “I noticed we haven’t talked much this week. Is everything okay?”; or “That hangout looked so fun—just curious, can I ask why I wasn’t invited?”
