They say patience is a virtue. But no one really teaches you how to be more patient, whether you’re dealing with long lines, traffic delays or a partner asking “Wait, what did you say again?” for the third time in a row.
It’s true that some folks naturally are more patient than others. According to Geoffrey Gold, PhD, a psychologist at Therapists of New York, certain personality traits are better at adjusting to uncertainty, say, or more willing to give others the benefit of the doubt. But patience isn’t necessarily a quality you have to be born with—it’s also something you can work on. “It involves building emotional skills like being able to sit with feelings of boredom, frustration, and anxiety, along with mindfulness and self-compassion,” Dr Gold tells SELF.
If playing the waiting game isn’t your strong suit, we’ve got you covered. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to be more patient in your everyday life.
1. Redefine what it actually means to be patient
If your idea of patience looks like being endlessly agreeable, never getting annoyed and staying calm through any inconvenience…. Yeah, no wonder it feels impossible. That version of patience isn’t realistic and, honestly, it’s not a standard to aim for.
Patience is more about learning to let go of the need to control everything. “For people who tend to be impatient, there’s a lack of acceptance,” Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York City, tells SELF. “Not wanting to accept how long something is taking, not accepting that it takes time to understand a new concept or skill”—it can naturally bring up frustration, restlessness and even anger.
On the flip side, people who seem effortlessly go-with-the-flow “are usually more comfortable and grounded in the reality that things can be really messy,” Tristan says. They know that a tech glitch might derail their entire work day, for instance, or that a date they vibed with may not reply right away. It’s not about loving (or even liking) these unpredictable hiccups, necessarily: It’s about learning to roll with them without it destroying your mood (which brings us to our next few pointers).
2. Get out of your head and into someone else’s shoes
A big reason we get so frazzled when life doesn’t go our way? We’re holding onto a bunch of unspoken “shoulds,” both experts say. The waiter should be faster. Your roommate should do the dishes by the end of the day. Your injury should be healed after following the doctor’s orders.
